We have to keep ourselves cheery as parents and sometimes there is no wine or chocolate in the house, so I at 2am last night decided to rewrite some of the most commonly referred to parenting terminology…honestly.
Parenthood: where you are expected to look at a miniscule cut on your sons finger, which may or may not be dirt while he sobs in an Oscar worthy fashion and expects you to call 999, then grandma, then put on 200 plasters whilst watching a Disney film. Underpaid position.
Motherhood: An enforced period of caffeine addiction, dubious personal hygiene and soul destroying cartoons with animals that make you cross at life (see Mother).
Mother: Female of varying ages all who feel 215. Eats leftover food and can never remember the date or where the keys are. Olay and eye bag concealer become popular, as do leggings. Fixer of scraped knees.
Father: Bearded version of mother. Man who builds shed in garden to escape offspring. Protector of daughters, tallest and strongest person in the world to own children even if 5’4. Master of piggybacks.
Childbirth: When it is ok to swear at your mother, demand narcotics and crawl around a hospital floor. A means to an end. Expect happy and sad crying. Take Lucozade.
Breastfeeding: A means of feeding ones child; involves partial nudity in public, feeling akin to a milking cow. A time when it is acceptable to eat 3 snickers a day for sustenance, when your breasts grow 4 sizes and if they did not hurt so much you would do a jog and your best Baywatch impression.
Bottle-feeding: significant other of Breastfeeding. When the mathematical pressure of powder to hot water mix befuddles your brain, you put your phone in a steriliser at 2am and you are bound to leave at least 5 on the bus. You will try milk from both and decide you will stick to soya or perhaps just go dairy free.
Weaning: When you wish to redecorate your ceiling with a range of sticky, carefully cut up fruit and vegetables. A time when you will lose 7 pounds through pure disgust at constantly looking at and cleaning up blended, squishy food that Anabel Karmel told you to combine.
Baby: The result of the casting aside of birth control. Looks like a miniature old man. Sounds like a kitten and does very little but cry and poo. Gorgeous and precious to one’s own parents.
Toddler: Karma paying back all your past debaucheries; shots at university, smoking, wearing short skirts, not attending church, using the word s**t too often. Has selective hearing. A foot tall mini dictator that has a fascination with dandelions and pets (see Tantrums).
Tantrums. What your child does to test your sanity: puts you off the idea of siblings. They lead you to drink in the evenings. Time outs and star charts will be attempted but bribery and biscuits are the only way to survive them.
Nappies: The reason your carpet is still beige.
Phonics: Stuff that I should really know already but had no clue. New-fangled alphabet.
Velcro: the reason your kids hate shoelaces.
Peppa Pig: the reason you hate everything. LEGALISED TORTURE IN PINK.
Please jump in and add your own definitions!