Jungle definitions of parenting terminology redefined by a sleep deprived lunatic of a #Mboss (Mumboss).

We have to keep ourselves cheery as parents and sometimes there is no wine or chocolate in the house, so I at 2am last night decided to rewrite some of the most commonly referred to parenting terminology…honestly.

Parenthood: where you are expected to look at a miniscule cut on your sons finger, which may or may not be dirt while he sobs in an Oscar worthy fashion and expects you to call 999, then grandma, then put on 200 plasters whilst watching a Disney film. Underpaid position.

Motherhood: An enforced period of caffeine addiction, dubious personal hygiene and soul destroying cartoons with animals that make you cross at life (see Mother).

Mother: Female of varying ages all who feel 215. Eats leftover food and can never remember the date or where the keys are. Olay and eye bag concealer become popular, as do leggings. Fixer of scraped knees.

Father: Bearded version of mother. Man who builds shed in garden to escape offspring. Protector of daughters, tallest and strongest person in the world to own children even if 5’4. Master of piggybacks.

Childbirth: When it is ok to swear at your mother, demand narcotics and crawl around a hospital floor. A means to an end. Expect happy and sad crying. Take Lucozade.

Breastfeeding: A means of feeding ones child; involves partial nudity in public, feeling akin to a milking cow. A time when it is acceptable to eat 3 snickers a day for sustenance, when your breasts grow 4 sizes and if they did not hurt so much you would do a jog and your best Baywatch impression.

“She turned to the sunlight And shook her yellow head,And whispered to her neighbor_ _Winter is dead

Bottle-feeding: significant other of Breastfeeding. When the mathematical pressure of powder to hot water mix befuddles your brain, you put your phone in a steriliser at 2am and you are bound to leave at least 5 on the bus. You will try milk from both and decide you will stick to soya or perhaps just go dairy free.

Weaning: When you wish to redecorate your ceiling with a range of sticky, carefully cut up fruit and vegetables. A time when you will lose 7 pounds through pure disgust at constantly looking at and cleaning up blended, squishy food that Anabel Karmel told you to combine.

Baby: The result of the casting aside of birth control. Looks like a miniature old man. Sounds like a kitten and does very little but cry and poo. Gorgeous and precious to one’s own parents.

Toddler: Karma paying back all your past debaucheries; shots at university, smoking, wearing short skirts, not attending church, using the word s**t too often. Has selective hearing. A foot tall mini dictator that has a fascination with dandelions and pets (see Tantrums).

Tantrums. What your child does to test your sanity: puts you off the idea of siblings. They lead you to drink in the evenings. Time outs and star charts will be attempted but bribery and biscuits are the only way to survive them.

Nappies: The reason your carpet is still beige.

Phonics: Stuff that I should really know already but had no clue. New-fangled alphabet.

Velcro: the reason your kids hate shoelaces.

Peppa Pig: the reason you hate everything. LEGALISED TORTURE IN PINK.

 

Please jump in and add your own definitions!

 

Petite Pudding
Pink Pear Bear
You Baby Me Mummy

  35 comments for “Jungle definitions of parenting terminology redefined by a sleep deprived lunatic of a #Mboss (Mumboss).

  1. July 23, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    Ha ha very funny – particularly like the bit about Pammy. I could so have done a Baywatch run if I wasn’t sobbing into my pillow with pain…. #PuddingLove

    Like

  2. July 20, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    Haha how funny! cuts, plasters, wailing oh yes i still get it from my 5 year old lol! I too do not like Peppa Pig! Thanks for linking up to #puddinglove

    Liked by 1 person

  3. July 20, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Haha this is fab! I particularly loved…father: a bearded version of mother! Spot on 🙂 #triballove

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 20, 2016 at 9:18 am

      Leo the other day said mummy why did you make me like I am..and I said I didn’t choose it but you have bits of mummy and bits of daddy..he then asked why he didn’t have daddy’s beard…lol xx

      Like

      • July 20, 2016 at 9:20 am

        That is brilliant, imagine the chaos of we got to pick which bits make up our kids 😂 xx

        Liked by 1 person

  4. July 19, 2016 at 8:56 pm

    Did I say #bigpinklink? Or was I too busy gushing?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. July 19, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    whitecamellias stole my starting words!!! You are a genius, truly. Best post I’ve read all week!!!
    Bloody Annabel Karmel and her pinwheel sandwiches…..
    PS: what’s the time?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. July 18, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    You are a GENIUS! Totally tantrums are the cross we must carry to pay for our sins. I would like to add that reading 6 Thomas the tank engine books before child decides to go to sleep is also another form of LEGALISED TORTURE. #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 19, 2016 at 11:19 am

      Oh yes that is totally in the list…multiple book reading or film watching back to back….ughhh xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. July 18, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    Ahahaha I love it! I want a snickers now though. You’re a comedy genius and I love you. #bigpinklink

    Liked by 1 person

  8. July 18, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    Potty training: The reason your carpet is no longer beige! 😉 Great post, really made me laugh. This should be handed out to new parents in hospital! Thanks for being a #bigpinklinker

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 18, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      Hahaha thank you beauty that is an awesome one…eugh potty training..wonder how I survived all the poo…x

      Like

  9. twotinyhands
    July 18, 2016 at 11:52 am

    ha ha, I’m never going to stop breastfeeding. I can see tantrums being a big deal and I am concerned about them hoping to survive them though. #puddinglove

    Liked by 1 person

  10. July 17, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    Love this! I agree with them all. Sharing on Twitter! Hilarity is the only way to survive parenthood some days, am I right?
    #puddinglove

    Liked by 1 person

  11. July 17, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    Ha ha! I totally ate 3 snickers a day whilst breastfeeding! Unfortunately that habit was a little hard to break once I stopped breastfeeding…oops.
    #puddinglove

    Liked by 1 person

  12. July 17, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    Hilarious! Thank you for staying up last night. This was well worth it

    Liked by 1 person

  13. July 17, 2016 at 7:42 pm

    I need one for the word teenagers…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Mouse, Moo and Me Too
    July 17, 2016 at 7:35 pm

    For a second I thought you were referring to condoms when you wrote “looks like a little old man” 😂 Very funny and slightly depressing list because there’s seemingly no end in sight to the pain we must bear! #puddinglove

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 18, 2016 at 12:44 pm

      Pain and hilarity are the spice of life ..right…well whatever happens we have wine..xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mouse, Moo and Me Too
        July 18, 2016 at 12:55 pm

        And gin. Always gin. X

        Liked by 1 person

  15. July 17, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    This is brilliant! Laughing out loud right now 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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