My ‘surprise’ baby. Planning, or not, for a child. The emotional onslaught of pregnancy.

They say life is full of surprises.

Leo was unintended. I won’t say unplanned because I had always planned to have children. Always imagined being a mother; had white picket fence aspirations where I was married to the doppelganger of George Clooney. I envisioned celebrations and joy when I found out I was expecting my first child, not the numb buzzing panic of what the hell am I going to do. The prevailing emotions I recall from those first few months are fear and panic.

I had been with Leo’s dad a short time and we were barely at the point of considering a mini break, let alone having a child. I was told courtesy of PCOS that conception would likely impossible. My doctor told me my discomfort and sickness was likely another cyst, pumped me full of goodness-knows-what and booked a scan in as I had one rupture previously and they wanted to check my ovaries were not trying to explode. Ick. I went to visit my mum a week later and ended up ringing my doctor in agony. Google told me it was death or rabies. Low and behold a scan in A&E showed my cyst had a heartbeat.

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Ooopsy. (That’s the parental censored version of ‘oh s**t’).

I don’t remember much of being pregnant, I have bitter regrets that I cannot look back and feel I have fond memories of that time. I have pictures where I am smiling and think I was happy, or was trying so hard I appeared to be. My poor grandparents being traditional types were at first, in earnest, horrified and disappointed. I remember my grandad on the phone saying he did not want to talk to me, if any moment ever broke my heart it was that. But my family and friends stuck by me; have been so generous with their love, time and ensuring little man could have everything he possibly wants in the world.

I would lie awake in the night thinking, who is this person and what am I going to do with him? I didn’t feel an all-consuming magical mummy bond, I think that may be mythical crap.  I talked to him in my tummy, sung to him, picked beautiful outfits and folded them in neat square piles. I think health care providers can miss opportunities to learn more about the pregnant woman’s feelings about her pregnancy. Looking back I know I was overwhelmed, I don’t think I quite realised I was having a baby till they put him in my arms and he had my scrunched up pout. Well that was ten minutes after he was born, when they first tried to hand him to me I hid in my hands and politely said, no thank you. I was in utter shock.

Ten minutes later I could not take my eyes off his little face. Born with my papa’s bright red hair I envisaged him joining a folk group.

I remember feeling surprise at the critical undertone of society’s attitude towards single women…even in 2011 where I thought public stoning’s were a thing of the past. Leo’s dad and I separated months after he was born. At groups I would dread the question, ‘so where’s daddy today?’ then the awkward pause and swift change of subject.  I was met with well-meant comments such as, ‘we are so sad it happened for you in this way’, so I became sad. People tenderly told me how they ‘wanted better for me.’ So I thought I wanted better to, but who knows what would have been better…

I have anxiously and proudly watched a dear friend drag herself bravely, exhaustingly through pregnancy with hyperemesis. There are others who have gone through complex conceptions involved charting cycles, planning for a baby mixed with excitement and restless concern. I missed out on that strain, the pressure of trying and waiting. I am eternally grateful I do not have to worry about what life without a child would look like. Pregnancy is deeply personal, it’s natural to feel any number of emotions at any time, don’t feel guilty if it’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Today I have a beautiful, obstinate blue eyed terror of a four year old, having dragged myself though an honestly bloody hard time of parenting. I would not go back and change a thing. I feel like I survived a trek up Everest, have got bruised and battered on the way up but I can now sit and have a glass of bourbon with my partner in the sun.  I cannot yet shake the first time residual hardships to want to have another child, maybe someday I will feel safe with the idea..I will throw something large and heavy at you if you ask me when Leo will be getting a sibling.

LARGE AND HEAVY.

 

If you liked this post check out: The meaning of ‘Mum’. How the word has changed me. Mum-me.

 

Diary of an imperfect mum
Cuddle Fairy

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  43 comments for “My ‘surprise’ baby. Planning, or not, for a child. The emotional onslaught of pregnancy.

  1. July 19, 2016 at 11:17 am

    I admire your honesty in this post. I am a fellow PCOS sufferer and I’m at the other end of the spectrum – we tried for a baby for a while before things happened and I was so scared it never would happen. Now I’m watching my 5 month old asleep on the baby monitor and so grateful. As a midwife myself, I see women having such different experiences of pregnancy and it’s important to remember that not everyone is happy to be pregnant. Never assume anything is how I work it! Thanks for sharing your story.

    Liked by 1 person

    • July 20, 2016 at 8:46 am

      It is so lovely to read your positive experience 🙂 so happy you got your little bundle of joy! You sound like an amazing mummy and an amazing midwife, thank you for your comment 🙂 xx

      Like

  2. June 22, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    I love the phrase unintended… I always say Archie was unplanned but definitely prefer this! Well done for being so honest & then brave in sharing. I get asked all the time when I’m having another but I think my unintended pregnancy has definitely made me more wary of doing it again, so good to hear you feel the same. Great post Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 22, 2016 at 7:45 pm

      Hey lovely, so glad you found some association to this situation and the feelings etc… that makes me sharing worth it! Its definitely not been the most easy ride but little man is totally worth it xx

      Liked by 1 person

      • June 22, 2016 at 7:49 pm

        Sending lots of love and respect. I found it hard enough & me & my fella had been together 8 years. Single parenting is extra tough (I was raised by one) so big pat on the back for you. Your little guy is gorgeous!x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. maryfoster11
    May 25, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    This is so honest! My little boy was, ‘unintended’ and me and my boyfriend at the time (husband now) cried when we found out – I wouldn’t say they were completely happy tears and I hate it everyday! The first few months of pregnancy was hardly even spoken about!
    Everything happens for a reason though!

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 26, 2016 at 11:04 am

      It does indeed and I think it gives us strength even though you regret now having the simple perfect happiness other people do in the end we have our amazing children who will never know how we cried..or swore..and just know we love them xx

      Like

  4. newmummyblogcom
    May 19, 2016 at 9:09 pm

    Parenting seems to be such a difficult thing, something that we all struggle with and fight battles around and through each day. I’m in awe at all single parents, all parents who share custody, you’re inspirational. Well done on writing such an honest post. Thanks for sharing on #KCACOLS and hope you can link again on Sunday x

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 20, 2016 at 8:05 am

      Thank you for a lovely comment. I think Parenting is as difficult as it is rewarding 🙂 What life without a little challenge…she says scraping peanut butter of the ceiling…xx

      Like

  5. May 19, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    I really enjoyed this post lovely – it is actually the first time to your lovely blog. Both my girls were surprises – the very best surprises!! Parenthood is so tough and I have so much respect for those who do it alone. You are amazing!!#kcacols

    Like

  6. May 19, 2016 at 6:17 pm

    This is so similar to how I fell pregnant, I like to think of it as intended too, although it was a shock to be honest and we had so much to sort out in 8 months haha. Well done writing it because it’s something that’s not often talked about. I love how honest your posts are and you can really see how devoted you are to Leo in every post I’ve read so far. #triballove #KCACOLS

    Like

  7. May 18, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    Ohh Jade you are a wonderful mother. Its takes guts to be a single mum. My younger sister is one. When I see her I don’t know if I would be able to do it alone. I look up in awe to you all. xx

    #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 19, 2016 at 4:10 pm

      Such a wonderful reply, I think parenting is a challenge for everyone and I wish I had a clue about social media when I first had him!xxx

      Like

  8. May 17, 2016 at 8:02 pm

    So sad to read your grandad’s response. You never mentioned whether he came round to it in the end and was more accepting. I hope he did and the reaction was just shock x. #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 18, 2016 at 8:40 am

      I think it was shock and disappointment, he is a very loving man and is amazing with my son. I will just always remember that moment but am happy that they love my little boy as much as they do 🙂 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. May 15, 2016 at 8:09 am

    Love this, refreshingly honest! I like the notion of an unintended pregnancy rather than unplanned, it sounds much nicer! (I have no two ways around it, mine was definitely unplanned!). Great post #KCACOLS

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 15, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      Thanks for such a lovely comment! I try an be honest though never know how it will read!xx

      Like

  10. May 13, 2016 at 12:26 pm

    Great post! It’s a breath of fresh air to hear honesty! X

    Liked by 1 person

  11. May 10, 2016 at 12:25 pm

    Great post, brilliantly honest and well written. As a PCOS sufferer it’s great to here these stories, surprise or not you got motherhood and that gives me hope

    Liked by 1 person

    • May 10, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      That is one of the best comments I have received as I always worry that when I write serious posts they just depress people, which isn’t the intent. That the post made you hopeful makes me very happy x

      Liked by 1 person

  12. April 30, 2016 at 7:46 am

    Your story is very similar to my story, as are your feelings about it all. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. April 28, 2016 at 9:25 pm

    Such an honest and touching post, you are right pregnancy is painted to be this magical time and it’s tough-going for the most part, it’s posts like this that remind us all we’re not alone in our thoughts or experiences. I hate that anyone would make you feel bad or less than, what is wrong with people?! Well done on everything and your pouting baby is the cutest image ever-time sure flies by huh (I can’t believe I now have a 6 year old)! The Everest analogy is perfect, parenting is like mountain climbing, bloody tough with dizzying views for some of the journey xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 29, 2016 at 7:57 am

      Haha I think you made my analogy sound much more poetic, I like the dizzying views. Thank you for such a kind comment, I think when I first had little man I was surrounded by so many negative voices that it does drag you down and as a new first time mummy I was a little lost. I think if I had the blogger community then and the strength and positivity of other mummy’s that said its ok, that its hard and perfection is achievable I would have been much happier! Six! bless, I love seeing them turn into little boys from toddlers, the pictures of your LO’s are gorgeous 🙂 xx

      Like

  14. Becky, Cuddle Fairy
    April 19, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    Ah I say it can’t be easy with those questions. I don’t understand why people ask these things & assume things. I guess it’s making conversation but it’s just not a good idea. Thanks so much for linking up with us at #bloggerclubuk x

    Like

    • April 19, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      Thank you for such a lovely comment. I think families have become so diverse in their make up there is not so much a ‘usual, normal’ thing now. I just hope my little lad grows up happy and knowing he is loved whatever 🙂 xx

      Like

  15. April 9, 2016 at 10:32 am

    You have a beautiful writing style, that’s for sharing your story #puddinglove

    Like

  16. April 9, 2016 at 12:18 am

    Well, I love that you shared you journey into motherhood with us. It’s an amazing honest post and really well written. I can only imagine how hard it must be to parent on your own. You have all my respect and I think you are amazing x

    Like

  17. April 8, 2016 at 8:27 am

    You write so beautifully…this is a lovely post. So interesting to read people’s reactions and how perceptive of you to see the impact of those on your feelings. You also make the brilliant point that no matter what our situations and however easy or hard other people, or yourself, perceive your situation to be…there can complicated emotions and just ‘stuff’ going on for everyone. You’re awesome, stay awesome…drinking your bourbon at the top of Everest with your gorgeous boy (well you drinking it, not him. Yet) x

    Like

    • April 8, 2016 at 8:53 am

      Haha room on Everest for you too lovely! Thank you so much, I am so respectful of any mummy..or daddy for that matter, I used to get envious of people when they planned children and it seemed easy and amazing and then I realised that is ridiculous as I am overjoyed for their happiness and nothing is as simple as it may appear so we just need to support one another. 🙂 xx

      Like

  18. twotinyhands
    April 8, 2016 at 8:03 am

    That’s just lovely that you came through it. It’s a lovely honest post. Your son is a credit to you! It’s all your doing. So happy you’ve shared this with us. I remember being handed my son and being in awe, and then suddenly thinking, well what now!? It’s amazing that we figure it out in the end!! X

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 8, 2016 at 8:33 am

      Haha I think I am still figuring it and him out but enjoying it immensley in the process!Thank you for the lovely comment xx

      Liked by 1 person

  19. April 7, 2016 at 11:14 pm

    Loved this… same thoughts with both mine.. Am I ready, what do i do??Both surprises, but wouldn’t change my little people for the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. April 7, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    I love the honesty and the reality of the situation. People have such different paths to getting a child and many are not straight forward. This is a path which is not well highlighted or addressed but is much more common than maybe we are led to believe. Well done xx

    Like

    • April 7, 2016 at 10:22 pm

      A bumpy path with some big assed rocks in the way …I really enjoy hearing about everyones parenting journey 🙂 Thank you for commenting and your support lovely lady xx

      Like

  21. April 7, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    This is crazily like my story – I too have PCOS and fell pregnant by a miracle! So much of what you described I can relate to, I love your honesty and the love for your son and your journey shines through. Great post lovely xx

    Like

    • April 7, 2016 at 10:05 pm

      Thank you 🙂 Suprise kiddywinks. I think It would have been easier if I hadnt built up an ‘ideal’ situation in my head, life isnt like that, its hard, but that doesnt mean things cant be amazing too. I hope I have half your strength with all that you manage xx

      Like

  22. April 7, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    I think you’re amazing! Being pregnant is not that easy, and being a mother is hard- let alone doing it on your own. You are a superhero! Ellen X

    Like

    • April 7, 2016 at 10:06 pm

      I am part of a big bunch of superhero’s..Thank you honey!.though lets not make it a tribal rule to have pants on the wrong side of our trousers!!

      Like

  23. April 7, 2016 at 9:28 pm

    That’s a lovely post I am glad you hit publish, I really enjoyed reading it. You are fab job and have my utmost respect for doing what is, in my opinion, one of the hardest jobs out there on your own. Brilliant post xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 7, 2016 at 9:30 pm

      Thank you :):) I wish I was more adept at the social media world back then I think it would have given me so much reassurance, especally if I had my Tribesters!x

      Liked by 1 person

  24. April 7, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Oh honey pie… I can so relate. Alyssa was a surprise and the worry of doing it alone was horrible. But we cope and they become our world’s. So glad I met you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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